Step One

 

The first step in any abstinence-based recovery program is recognizing that the problem is a lack of the power to choose whether or not you will put that substance in you (alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, chocolate cake, etc) or engage in whatever behavior it is (gambling, workaholism, compulsive behavior). In my case, it was alcohol and drugs, but primarily alcohol.

I took my first drink when I was twelve years old. I did it to impress my friends. Looking back on it, I had a very low opinion of myself as a like-able person and I thought that I wouldn't be able to make friends or keep them unless I was "cool". And all the people I saw as cool drank, used drugs, and broke the law. I wanted to be like them so I could be liked by them. So, I drank, I used drugs and I broke the law.

Unfortunately, I drank like a maniac and when I was under the influence, I acted like a maniac. I became "dangerously and disgustingly antisocial". (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 21) No one wanted me to be their friend. In a perfect world, I would have sensed that my use of alcohol and drugs, and the behaviors associated with that, were the problem. Then, logically I would stop drinking and try to re-establish friendships with my existing friends or make new ones. But I wasn't living in a perfect world. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I was already addicted to alcohol. I sometimes wonder, if I had tried to stop, would I have been able to stop on my own power? I don't really know the answer to that question, because I didn't know any of this stuff then and so I did not try to stop. In fact, I didn't try to stop for 26 years and it took me almost 4 years to get a handle on it.

Alcoholism, as an illness, is considered to be chronic, progressive, and potentially fatal. For me, there was no progression of the disease. I was alcoholic from the get-go. It was like pouring gasoline on a fire. It just gets worse. One of the things I did not know when I entered the recovery process was that alcohol was not really the problem. There are lots of people in the world who can drink alcohol and it isn't a problem for them. Crack cocaine, heroin, and similar drugs are not the same as alcohol in that respect. They are addictive substances, the same as nicotine. They are substances that people should stay away from. I been around over half a century and I have yet to meet a social crack user.

A few points that I feel should be stressed here. We are powerless in the sense that we have lost the ability to choose whether we will drink, use, or engage in compulsive behavior and this all makes our life unmanageable. If you are an alcoholic, a drug addict, or a compulsive gambler and you think your life is still okay, you're reading the wrong story. I'm not here because I had a few shots of rum, put a lamp shade on my head and talked dirty to the boss's wife. I probably did that numerous times. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because my wife wanted a divorce because my drinking was a problem, my landlady wanted me out of her building because my drinking was a problem, my family wasn't talking to me because of my drinking, I had no friends unless I was buying drinks, and I had no job because I had lost it due to my drinking.

And it didn't end there. At the end of my drinking, I was sleeping in a box under the bridge with a rock for a pillow and a newspaper for a blanket. Not everyone ends up on skid row. There are many different levels of unmanageability. I knew a guy who still had a beautiful home, great job, loving family, two cars in the driveway and he took his own life because he could not stop drinking. We all have to hit our bottom and each person's bottom is relevant only to them.

One other point that I cannot stress enough. I consider myself a recovered alcoholic. I do not consider myself cured. There is a difference. There is no cure for alcoholism. None that I know of. If I broke my hand and my hand was in a cast for 6 weeks, when the cast comes off I have recovered from that broken hand, but I am certainly not cured from ever breaking my hand again. Alcoholism is like that. It is possible for me, with the help of God and the program I am in, to solve my drink problem and become a recovered alcoholic, but it is not possible for me to become cured from ever drinking again. If I want it back again, all I have to do is take a drink. If I did, the past 26 years would evaporate in a very short time and I would once again wake up on the side of the road somewhere, trying to figure out what the hell happened.

My compulsion to drink was removed from me on December 6, 1997 and I have never been in a situation where I saw alcohol as the solution to any of my problems, but if I ever do I'll just compare the last 24 hours of my drinking to the last 24 hours.

In order to take this step, you only have to do one thing. Some people do it right away, others take a long time to do it. If you can admit to yourself that you are powerless over whatever it is and that it has made your life unmanageable, then you have taken the first step and you can come join us on the high road to a new freedom. :)